Today I was reflecting on some things that have happened in my life and a particular conversation I had with a friend stood out to me. I don’t remember how we began to discuss relationships but I distinctly remember him asking me “What do you really look for in a man?” You would expect that I would be able to spit out the answer with ease but it took me quite awhile to get my thoughts together. You see, I was trying to make the guy I was in love with at the time with fit into what I believe my ideal partner should be and he really was not measuring up in most of the areas. It wasn’t until weeks after that I truly began to understand what my friend was attempting to explain to me….the man you’re with should be the man you want to be your PARTNER not just your lover or “go to” person.
The Free Dictionary Online defines partner as “one that is united with another in an activity or sphere of common interest”. The phrase common interests is so important. What are you really doing with someone who you aren’t able to thoroughly enjoy spending time with because he or she takes you to places where you’re uncomfortable because those are the places he or she is comfortable? What are you truly doing with someone who doesn’t share common beliefs with you? Yes, there is such a thing as compromise but when two people are starkly different, pursuing a relationship really doesn’t make sense regardless of how much they love each other.
I think one of my main problems has been that I am ashamed to embrace what I really want in my partner. Either that or I just really did not understand what I wanted until now. The man I choose to unite myself with has to be:
Not a God-fearing person or someone who gives his life to God just to please me. He must be a man who is truly mature in his faith and who has an intimate relationship with God. This is a CRITICAL quality in a partner because the man is the head of the household in all matters (including spiritual matters). I have to have a man who can protect me and our family from any spiritual attacks and who can also exercise his faith in God when we are going through rough patches.
My main love language is quality time. “Love Language” is a term coined by Gary Chapman that describes the ways in which we prefer to receive and show heartfelt commitment to our partners. Since my love language is time I NEED to be with my partner on a regular basis and see that he is putting out the effort to spend time with me. It goes beyond chilling with him and watching a movie but he should have a level of spontaneity to bring some adventure into the relationship and look for creative ways for us to spend time together.
As much as I love helping people and conversing with people from various backgrounds, I have to be able to relate to my partner on a higher level. When I want to talk about things such as psychological profiling or the global economic crisis, I should be able to have a hearty discussion that could probably even lead into a thrilling debate. We have to be able to challenge each other intellectually.
I am a woman of many dreams and as a friend, I try my best to support the dreams of others. When the world is coming at me and telling me that I can’t do x, y and z I need my partner to be there to look me in my eyes and say “Yes you can”. Granted, I do need a wake up call sometimes but, unless that is really warranted, I do need him to support me in the same way that I would support him.
Isn’t Afraid of Household Duties
Yes, it is the stereotype that women should cook and clean but I really would appreciate a man who is willing to stand beside me in the kitchen and help me cook a scrumptious meal or maybe even cook a meal for our family once in awhile. Helping with the laundry would also be a plus because he and I would both be working. We would both be tired so I don’t see why we both can’t share the household responsibilities.
I’m a serious person. Quirky but serious. I need someone who can loosen me up every once in awhile or put a smile on my face when I’m feeling down or having a bad day. If he is as serious as I am then I doubt that relationship would make sense.
I DO NOT like aggressive men who believe that they know it all and treat others with disrespect. I also don’t like to be treated or touched harshly. I need someone who is willing to be gentle and caring.
These are generally the ideals I am certain I look for in a man. What are your ideals?